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AUDIO CHALLENGE
The sounds on this burglar-deterring CD collection - crying children, barking dogs, whirring kitchen appliances, etc. - don’t seem sufficient to repel a bold invader. Readers are invited to compile their own household soundtracks.
oh! i heard all the cool kids at school have the latest album by audioguard…
Posted by benson swears a lot on 2007 02 05 at 12:04 PM • permalinkHow about dead silence, except for that Renfield chuckle coming from the other room…
Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 02 05 at 12:06 PM • permalinkAn audio track of my lawn being mowed with a reel mower is thief-offputting http://rhhardin.home.mindspring.com/lawnmowermic.ram
A combination of the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, Vladimir Visotsky, naval combat sounds from Victory at Sea and a novelty Swedish song from the 1950s about coconuts should distract any interlopers long enough to fall for the traps/cluttered floor.
Then its down to the cellar for several years of salted tea, Wagner and the Kalevala. That usually curbs their housebreaking ways.
Posted by Simon Darkshade on 2007 02 05 at 12:19 PM • permalinkEffective, but perhaps sedate. Maybe a selection of soundclips from Deliverance?
Posted by Simon Darkshade on 2007 02 05 at 12:24 PM • permalinkI’m thinking that an amplified recording of Michael Moore eating a bag of potato chips should do it.
1st burglar: Coo! Johnny, what’s tha’ noise?
2nd burglar: I dunno, Ralph. Sounds kinda like . . . like . . . a dragon eatin’ the bones of an ox.
1st burglar: Too right! Whaddaya say we scarper, hit that cove’s house next door. The one with the bloody Prius in the driveway. Five’ll get you ten, he ain’t got no dragons. Nor any guns, neither.
2nd burglar: I’m with you, Ralphie boy. Let’s get scarce before that thing pegs us. Dragons can smell human blood, you know.
1st burglar: Coo!Link
Hitachi has a webpage of noises that indicate a defective hard disk, check out “head stuck to platter” and “slow spindle noise”. In real life, head crashes sound like a million monkeys scratching a million blackboards.I fixed your link with the proper tag. Note: “img” is not a linking tag. PS: I don’t permit images in the comments anyway, so it won’t work for images either. However, if there is an image you want to show people you can link to the web page where the image resides. The Management.
Maureen Dowd’s voice, saying “do these make me look…?”
Posted by Don't Bogart that Midget, Comrade! on 2007 02 05 at 01:56 PM • permalinkThe soundtrack form “The Shining” on continuous loop?
Or a quiet voice saying “Keep it down! You’ll get your turn when they get in!”
That one is quite good!
Posted by Major John on 2007 02 05 at 02:03 PM • permalinkAn arguing couple:
Margo: ...In fact, he was sort of a ... a FLOP! A great…big…FLOP!
[CRASH! Immediately after FLOP! Terry Lane breaks a bottle against the portable bar…]
Terry Lane [almost crying]: I said stop, Margo.
Margo: I hope that was an empty bottle, Terry. You don’t want to waste good liquor…not on your salary.Margo: ...I said I was necking with one of the guests…
Terry Lane: Yes, good…good for you. Which one?
Margo: Oh, I see what you’re up to, you lousy little…
Terry Lane: I’m up to page a hundred and…Terry Lane: Margo…our son is…dead.
[Silence.]
He was…killed…late in the afternoon…
[Silence.]
[A tiny chuckle] on a country road, with his learner’s permit in his pocket, he swerved, to avoid a porcupine, and drove straight into a ...
Margo [rigid fury]: YOU…CAN’T…DO…THAT!Posted by andycanuck on 2007 02 05 at 03:54 PM • permalinkOh, and did I forget to mention that that’s from the Paco Albee Criminal Overwhelmer literary series of audio deterrents?
On sale now for only $24.37 (also guaranteed to discourage Jehova Witnesses and Greenpeace activists). If it’s PACO, it’ll scare them straight—straight out of the yard.Posted by andycanuck on 2007 02 05 at 04:03 PM • permalinkI think the sound of a Mossberg 500 being cycled, immediately followed by the sound of an M1911A1 being racked would really stop any wannabe intruder.
But that’s just me and my motto: “Peace Through Firepower.”
Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 02 05 at 04:03 PM • permalink“I should think that the sound of a Mossberg 500 being cycled would do the trick.”
+1 to Gandalin’s quote above. A couple of years ago I actually used my Mossberg to repel a would-be home invader, in precisely that fashion.
The subject in question was a drunken neighbor who, upset that I’d called the cops on him during a previous violent domestic argument he was having with his girlfriend, left off kicking in her door and instead started trying to kick down mine. (I’d made the mistake of sticking my head out to see what all the middle-of-the-night yelling and screaming was about, thus drawing his attention to me.)
The death threats and the pounding on the door ended abruptly when I chambered a round. I heard him say, quite clearly, “Oh, $hit!”, followed by the sound of footsteps receding rapidly back down the wooden walkway and steps from my second-floor apartment to the parking lot.
After half an hour or so of quiet, I put the twelve-gauge back up and went back to bed.
The next morning the neighbor, now sober, approached me and offered profuse apologies for “acting like a drunken a$$hole.”
Thereafter, he kept a very low profile, and within the week, he’d moved out of my apartment complex.
‘Mabel! We’ve got visitors!’
‘I’ve got the latest issue of the Watchtower right here, Leonard.’Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 02 05 at 04:29 PM • permalink#1 I agree, I have a Remington Defender™ 20 gauge expressly for that purpose.
Made a point of carrying the box in full view of the neighborhood.
Has been very quiet around my house ever since.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2007 02 05 at 05:14 PM • permalinkBruce: Quick love- I hear someone coming up the garden path
Doreen: oh good, that’ll save me defrosting something for dinner
Bruce: is the sacrificial alter ready?
Doreen: yes dear
Bruce: just give me a hand getting into these robes then dear
Doreen: yes dear, i hope this one’s not so fat as the last one- I’m gonna have to let out your robes as it is
Bruce: silence woman- just hand me my ceremonial cleaver and get into positionPosted by eeniemeenie on 2007 02 05 at 05:32 PM • permalinkThe Fremantle Dockers club song would deter me through its aural ugliness.
The Collingwood club song would let me know there was nothing of value within the home.
Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 02 05 at 07:53 PM • permalinkAn Oakland Raiders flag visible through the window. Proof that only ex-cons are living there.
Posted by David Crawford on 2007 02 05 at 08:53 PM • permalinkI’m rather taken with a combo of a revving chainsaw, snarling pitbulls, a .50 Barrett being locked and loaded and a loop of the heart-rending wailing and agonised shrieks of Gitmo/Abu Ghraib detainees being tortured and abused by hillbilly gimps would do the trick. If not, when the bastard breaks in and I’ve beaned him with my Louisville Slugger, I’ll duct-tape my Sennheisers to his pointy, inbred head and whack on a loop of Wiggy Bill Shatner bustin’ some ryhmes- an interesting experiment, in which I postulate that it is possible for the human tongue to extend to perferate both eardrums or voluntarily thrust itself down the windpipe causing asphxia, unconsciousness and death.
#29- Did the same thing during the ETU strike/blackouts in Queensland back in the early eighties; came out of the shower and saw a shadow flit through the lounge room, went into the bedroom ,got the Winchester 12guage pumpy riotgun out of the wardrobe and very noisily chambered a round- shadow flitted back out the front door, apparently followed by a cloud of shitmist. (Middle of summer, no power so no fans or aircon, so all doors and windows open).
#44- there have been a number of murders (justifiable homicide in my book) resulting from repetitive playing of said Whitney opus.
I reckon just leave the radio on with JJJ, 3RRR od the like on- any sensible burglar will twig you’re a
loser with no goods worth twockingnon-consumer and activist for the planet, and don’t believe in material possessions.Hey- what’s wrong with Klaus? After all, he came from outer space, to save the human race!
(And like those other critters from Mars with the death-ray thingos, got knocked over by a nasty earth virus).
I have found to be most effective my bootleg copy from the CIA of Hillary’s “conversation” with Bill shortly after the Lewinski affair broke. I didn’t think she could rip a man’s balls off and shove ‘em down his gullet, but there ya go!
Posted by Tex Lovera on 2007 02 05 at 10:59 PM • permalinkSounds toe-tappin’ and with it, daddy-o!
It’d go well next to my album “The Golden Lips of Whistling Jan Lindstrom” in my KTel Record Selector.
BTW- most effective audio weapon to deter entry by anything living or dead (zombies, vampyres, frankentstein monsters, mummy of Ardeth Bey etc) is surely a 80Db+ broadcast of any speech, statement or announcement made by deputy ALP leader Julia Gillard, whose dulcet tones resemble nothing so much as a flight of pterodactyls dragging all their claws simultaneously over the surface of a 200 kilometer long blackboard, accompanied by a squadron of stukas full of cats being hurled earthward at full throttle from the ionosphere.
Hey Habib, you’re not THE Habib of Wilston over @ Bolta are you?
Love your comments on the Gillard voice. Keep all manner of hobgoblins away. And then there’s T-H-E F-A-C-E….
An apparition Bill Leak over at The Australian describes as “a visage like a steak knife”.Crank up the visage on the 42” plasma and the voice on the 5.1 surround and I’d reckon you’d send the entire army of Attilla The Hun packing… screaming “no, no, not that, anything but that - cut our balls off with a rusty razor blade if you must, anything but that, yeowwwwwww!!!”
Of course there’s one other person you could be (here, step closer and I’ll whisper it ...Mamdouh Habib). There I’ve said it. Somebody had to. I know. I know. The prospect of it is too awful to contemplate.
I got another secret, come here and I’ll whisper it… I’m Alan of Sydney over there and Barb Dwyer at Matt Price - you know, not one person ever questioned me about that name at Pricey….OK, let’s really bring out the big guns in Perimeter Ops Clearance Ordnance.
Go here, but be warned. She’s australian.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6ajUCDIqQYYou could always connect a digital track of Phatty Adams pealing off his sweaty Speedos, making a seal on the toilet and releasing the last dozen pig’s feet he’d consumed to a motion sensor. It might not scare them away, but it would surely incapacitate them. Trouble is these things tend to work both ways. Best to sleep with ear plugs.
I find Slayer and Deicide is good at scaring away Born Again <strike>arseholes</i> Christians and other types of fundies.
Posted by Andrew Ian Dodge on 2007 02 06 at 06:20 AM • permalinkpauline hanson reciting advance australia fair
julia gillard reading the stock reports (yes, the ones with numbers)
john howard discussing cricket with richie benaud
shane warne discussing women with david hicks
15 cats trying to cough up furballs
any chad morgan song
kevin rudd reading the labor party constitution
john so reading jane austen
ol’ catsmeat reading the female eunuch
germaine greer discussing technicolour yawns with gough whitlam
castro’s death rattleno wait… scrub that last one - it would be easy listening
#40 I’m sure Pre-Ordained Culprit Organization would be happy to sell you a CD of a shotgun being racked. It would drive the cops nuts when they wouldn’t be able to find the gun.
I get my cut, Paco, don’t I (racks 00 buckshot into chamber)?
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2007 02 06 at 02:51 PM • permalinkThen he’s dead.
Elizabeth
Imperial KeeperPosted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2007 02 06 at 05:19 PM • permalink
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I should think that the sound of a Mossberg 500 being cycled would do the trick.