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The Guardian reports (registration required):

Reuters has sacked its chief photographer in the Middle East and toughened its editing procedures in the wake of publishing doctored photos during the conflict in Lebanon last year ...

In August, bloggers revealed that two of photographs taken by freelance Lebanese photographer Adnan Hajj of the fighting in Lebanon and published by Reuters had been digitally altered.

(Via reader Gobster)

Posted by Tim B. on 01/18/2007 at 06:39 PM
  1. Beautifaux!

    Posted by Jim Treacher on 2007 01 18 at 06:53 PM • permalink

  2. The Reuters chief photographer will immediately be offered a new position by the Lebanese Ambulance Service as Public Relations Manager.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 18 at 06:59 PM • permalink

  3. Good, and now AP ?

    Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 01 18 at 07:01 PM • permalink

  4. Smoke and mirrors.

    Bias that bad cant pass through a system based on integrity. The bias there is bone deep and part of the process itself.

    Them cutting this one guy loose and sending out a forgettable memo saying “tight up a little” is nothing but a weak effort to get out from under the microscope.

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 18 at 07:06 PM • permalink

  5. Does nothing to stop the posed photos, like Flat Fatima and the Pieta of Lebanon.

    Posted by Rob Crawford on 2007 01 18 at 07:24 PM • permalink

  6. On the subject of posed, smoke-filled photos, see my comment #27 on this earlier example of Reuter’s war-zone reportage.

    Didn’t get any support back then, but perhaps worth a second look in light of later revelations.

    Posted by dipole on 2007 01 18 at 08:08 PM • permalink

  7. They wouldn’t dare sack Lynden Michelson.., mind you, the boys need to clean their desk. (as does a few journalists there mr frazer)

    The chief photographer could go and work for Star shots photographs or the Islamic-simulated defence force.

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 01 18 at 08:09 PM • permalink

  8. um, hang on the Islamic reuters could go into Jihad dvd’s instead!!

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 01 18 at 08:10 PM • permalink

  9. I wouldn’t get too excited by this. My understanding of it (courtesy of LGF) is that they’re admitting it only about the two photoshopped-smoke-cloud pictures and aren’t admitting anything about bias re. the many staged photos. (Although I stand to be corrected not having checked out the “regisration required” Guardian piece firsthand.)

    Posted by andycanuck on 2007 01 18 at 08:15 PM • permalink

  10. (Just like I didn’t check out “Preview” here to catch my missing “t” in registration.)

    Posted by andycanuck on 2007 01 18 at 08:17 PM • permalink

  11. Ok, rubber stamp smiley lines and my gorgeous legs, but don’t add more smoke into an image for political gains.

    Reuters which side are you trying to sell to in a war?

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 01 18 at 08:19 PM • permalink

  12. The Powers That Be at Reuters may be throwing up a smokescreen to protect their philosophy, or they may not.  But in the end, what matters more than a self-righteous political agenda is basic self-preservation.  Maybe they’ve realized the ugly rumbles from the reading public isn’t just gas.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 01 18 at 08:21 PM • permalink

  13. Maybe, the media is outdated in relation to the axis of truth.

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 01 18 at 08:26 PM • permalink

  14. sent a photo of myself to Reuters when I rescued a cat stuck up a tree in Haifa. Came out looking like David Hasselhoff. And that was just the cat.

    Gooooooooo Reuters…

    Posted by JonathanH on 2007 01 18 at 08:44 PM • permalink

  15. Guardian login:
    email: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
    password: firefox
    From bugmenot.com. I assume it’ll allow multiple logins.

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 01 18 at 08:53 PM • permalink

  16. Adnan Hajj got sacked for getting caught, not for blatantly slanting the news; that problem works it’s way from the top down.

    Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 01 18 at 08:53 PM • permalink

  17. In O/T news I see that our mussies are once again flying off the handle at the slightest possibility of any “implied” sort mild double standard…

    The Oz public and pollies get blasted for even remarking some slight indignation on certain people dumping all over Oz while overseas, and calling Jews pigs and advocating child suicide, while the PM makes what I imagine will be a fairly harmless DVD message for a meeting of church groups and mussie leaders says he should have been more careful about “sending dangerous messages” and this could cause problems!!! 

    So now even our PM has to tread softly, softly, and watch who he talks to and what he says, while everything they say is fine and is excused by its context and a sensationalist media beating it up…

    Funny how none of these mussie groups would ever lower themselves to hear a message from the head of the infidels, when he would be more than likely happy to offer them something similar on Aussie values etc…  Which they don’t in the main want to hear, or adopt, by the way…  These guys level of cheek knows no bounds….

    Muslims wary of Howard DVD message

    Posted by casanova on 2007 01 18 at 09:08 PM • permalink

  18. Now we just need Playboy to stop putting vaseline on the lens.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 18 at 09:09 PM • permalink

  19. Is it me, or is the Guardian letting Reuters off a little light?  It appears from the way that snippet is written that Reuters is acknowledging mere incompetence in letting those photographs under the radar.

    But, and I’m trying to think back here, wasn’t there at least one case of a Hajj fake being knowingly used by the editors at Reuters?

    Posted by Mark V. on 2007 01 18 at 09:38 PM • permalink

  20. The allegation is that Reuters published fake photos.  The charge is that they did this with these two photos but it’s likely that many many more fake photos were published.  What has not been published is a thorough review of which photos are accurate, which are fake.

    We need a complete top to bottom review of how Reuters gets its news including photos and whether bias has effectively blinded it to accepting patently false photos and information.

    The onus is on Reuters to clean itself up.  Until it does, it does not have the moral standing to demand it of others.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 18 at 09:48 PM • permalink

  21. #19 Mark V.

    Is it me, or is the Guardian letting Reuters off a little light?

    Of course! Because they share the same journalistic propaganda philosophy, the Grauniad doesn’t see anything wrong with what Reuters (and AP, AFP or the BBC, for that matter) has done in distorting the news. They have a “truth” that transcends mere “facts”.

    Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 01 18 at 10:12 PM • permalink

  22. Reuters?  Should be Neuters.

    Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 01 18 at 10:21 PM • permalink

  23. Reuters is also sending its photo editors on compulsory Photoshop master-classes so that next time they won’t get caught with such amateurish dodges as the formation-flying smoke-clouds.  Lesson 1: putting Michelle Malkin’s head on Lindsay Lohan’s body like it belongs there!

    Posted by cuckoo on 2007 01 18 at 10:23 PM • permalink

  24. The only Middle East photographer I trust is Michael Totten.

    Posted by The Sanity Inspector on 2007 01 18 at 10:32 PM • permalink

  25. #18

    Now we just need Playboy to stop putting vaseline on the lens.

    Petroleum based lubricants are harmful to condoms. They should be using KY.

    Posted by triticale on 2007 01 18 at 10:58 PM • permalink

  26. Wildly OT (apologies, but I don’t know whether Tim is going to post on this or not).

    Article in the Age posits “Electoral loss will mean death of Liberal Party” (it’s by Dr Norman Abjorensen from the School of Social Sciences at the ANU).

    His argument can be summarised (in his own words) as “even though state branches of the party are festering sores of discontent, Howard’s forces have been able to impose a tight discipline in the interests of unity” so that “the party that under John Howard has so dominated the political stage for more than a decade and through four election wins could simply fall apart in the event of a loss at this year’s federal election”.

    Note that Abjorensen doesn’t say Howard will lose. In essence what he seems to me to be saying is that beyond Howard and the party hierarchy in Canberra, the Liberals are rabble.

    Having been through one campaign in WA observing the State party apparatus, I’d have to say I couldn’t mount much of a counter-argument.

    Comments?

    Posted by RexW on 2007 01 18 at 11:01 PM • permalink

  27. Norman Abjorensen was John Hewsons biographer from memory.

    Posted by Hank Reardon on 2007 01 18 at 11:18 PM • permalink

  28. #27 - Those are some bad memories if you can remember all of John Hewson’s life.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 18 at 11:26 PM • permalink

  29. Reuders is so medieval.  I had no idea they had editing procedures to begin with, and to discover that they are ‘toughening’ whatever they had before this announcement,  has me hornswoggled.  Kind of like growing eels from hair. 

    (Not that being medieval is BAD..)

    Posted by heather on 2007 01 18 at 11:31 PM • permalink

  30. #25 triticale

    Petroleum based lubricants are harmful to condoms. They should be using KY.

    Just where the fuck do they put the lens?

    Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 01 18 at 11:32 PM • permalink

  31. I see that Shake and Fizz has at least made the Yahoo News.

    BTW, what does the Guardian actually guard? I merely ask . . .

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 12:11 AM • permalink

  32. #28 Agreed. Sad really the meaningless bits of trivia that stick in your head.

    Posted by Hank Reardon on 2007 01 19 at 12:35 AM • permalink

  33. Important stuff  Poms are 5/71.

    Posted by curious george on 2007 01 19 at 12:46 AM • permalink

  34. Completely and utterly off topic, but I thought it would be important for Tim’s long-time readers to know: Brian Boyko is alive and well and still living in America:

    http://louminatti.blogspot.com/2007/01/i-guess-brian-boyko-changed-his-mind.html

    Posted by Lou Minatti on 2007 01 19 at 12:51 AM • permalink

  35. Apparently, a Reuters editor has been fired too, although they haven’t released his name yet:
    http://tinyurl.com/265uv6
    (Via LGF; no registration required!)

    Posted by andycanuck on 2007 01 19 at 01:12 AM • permalink

  36. More Important stuff Poms are 6/93 in 25th over.

    Posted by curious george on 2007 01 19 at 01:13 AM • permalink

  37. #34 Boyko might be alive but I’m not sure if he is well Lou. Looks like he’s packed on a bit of pudding since the last picture I saw of him. He now looks like a Michael Moore clone.

    Posted by Hank Reardon on 2007 01 19 at 01:19 AM • permalink

  38. #18, they should stop whiteing out the pubes as well.

    Posted by mr magoo on 2007 01 19 at 01:39 AM • permalink

  39. #34 that is a really cheesy beard he has, too.  He does look, however, as if he might have a real interest in getting close to sheep, so he may move to New Zealand yet.

    Posted by JorgXMcKie on 2007 01 19 at 02:04 AM • permalink

  40. Poms all out for 155 at the 42nd over.

    Posted by curious george on 2007 01 19 at 02:26 AM • permalink

  41. Avoid Registering

    To avoid registering for otherwise public sites such as the Guardian, Fairfax, New York Times etc. use Bugmenot.com which has a searchable list of donated logins.

    If you are using Firefox, you can even install a plugin which logs you in automatically.

    Posted by Dan Lewis on 2007 01 19 at 03:34 AM • permalink

  42. OT.. Good news from Iraq

    Posted by curious george on 2007 01 19 at 05:49 AM • permalink

  43. I abhor Abjorensen,
    Have the sheets with Sheridan,
    Am so browned off with Summers,
    And foregone my days of Horin.
    Can you mules a Ramsay,
    Or rehabilitate a Kelly?
    Is there hope for Kingston,
    Before our brains all turn to jelly?
    Adams is the original sin,
    Compared to Miss Devine,
    And Sheehan scores like one
    Gil-christ in hammering the line.
    The pearls from Price are sometimes nice
    But Albrechtsen is fizzy,
    Bolt hasn’t come back to the crease
    Since Milne was in a tizzy.

    Posted by blogstrop on 2007 01 19 at 05:52 AM • permalink

  44. All Your Fakes are belong to us.

    Posted by ashoichet on 2007 01 19 at 05:58 AM • permalink

  45. Utterly OT, but Mrs Entropy heard a story today and it sounds like an urban myth, so I was wondering if someone else had heard it.  The person who related it to Mrs Entropy reckons it is one person removed, but who knows?

    This family went to Sea World (at Surfers Paradise) last week, with one of their children being 3 years old.  The kid went missing, and after an hour the park staff were starting to make noises about dragging the lakes, at which point the parents began to lose it well and truly.
    Fortunately, word got around that the kid had been found in the fairy penguin enclosure.  Smiles all round.  The parents explained that the little kid had seen some typical lefty preachy propaganda “Happy Feet” the week before, so he had a thing about penguins.  Child was taken home.  Happy ever after.

    After the kids were put to bed, and mum and dad had a recovery drink, mum decided to clean up, and went to get the kid’s clothes.  When she picked up the backpack, it was a bit heavy, so she opened it up, and low and behold, there was a fairy penguin inside!

    Mum tried to ring Sea World, but they were closed. So she filled a baby bath with water, an locked the penguin into the laundry.  They were not sure it would survive, but they figured if it was dead in the morning nobody would be the wiser, but if it was alive they could ring sea world.

    In the morning, the fairy penguin was still with us, so they rang sea world, and asked if they remembered them.  Which they did, and the penguin was eventually re-united with its friends in the fairy penguin enclosure.


    I tried googling this story, and it has not popped up anywhere.  It is either a new urban myth, or it is true.  I suspect that Sea World would not let on if joe blow from the public were to ring up at random.  Does anyone know somebody who works there to verify the tale?

    Posted by entropy on 2007 01 19 at 07:29 AM • permalink

  46. I rather doubt the penguin would have let the kid pick it up.

    Posted by Andrea Harris, Administrator on 2007 01 19 at 07:32 AM • permalink

  47. #28
    Hewson’s life flashed before his eyes ... and he was bored.

    Posted by egg_ on 2007 01 19 at 07:39 AM • permalink

  48. #46 fairy penguins a pretty small, and there are a lot in a little area.  I am sure that the scene when the penguin is captive and resorts to banging his head against the wall is based on Surfers Sea World.  it is a pretty horrible little pen.

    Posted by entropy on 2007 01 19 at 08:30 AM • permalink

  49. Whale blubber only tastes good if it’s smoked with genuine rainforest wood.

    Posted by blogagog on 2007 01 19 at 09:33 AM • permalink

  50. #45: Oh, I believe it’s completely plausible. Something similar happened to us many years ago.

    My wife and I took the family to the Miami zoo; the boys were still little tykes, then, maybe ten and six. Our older son disappeared momentarily, and let me tell you, we were frantic. Suddenly, though, we saw him shuffling back along the path that led to the aviary. We were simultaneously relieved and angry, and asked him what happened. He mumbled something about being thirsty and going off to buy a soda. I noticed that he seemed to be weighed down by his backpack, and asked him if he felt all right. He said yes, but that he was a little tired and wanted to go home. I offered to carry the backpack, but he excitedly waved me off and said, no, no, he could manage.

    When we got home, the boys went to their rooms. I went into number one son’s room to see how he was doing, and he quickly stashed the backpack in his closet. “Ok. What’s in it?”, I asked. He sheepishly unzipped the bag, and out popped the extremely attractive young woman who was in charge of the raptor exhibit. She had long, cascading brown hair, with golden highlights, and big brown eyes, and was wearing a low-cut khaki work-shirt and khaki shorts. Well, this was extremely embarrassing, as you can imagine. We couldn’t possibly keep her . . . hmmm, I wonder . . . no, no, no, completely out of the question; Mrs. Paco wouldn’t go for it at all. I mean, she’s broadminded and all, but there are limits. Anyhow, we called the zoo and they sent a car around for the girl and everything seemed to be settled, when the zoo employee who had driven the car over asked, “By the way; the snack bar is also missing a cash register. You, er, wouldn’t know anything about it, would you?” I gave a look at #1, and he instantly shook his head. I started to tell the zoo guy that we were clueless about it, when I suddenly noticed, coming from the direction of Paco, Jr’s room, a faint but unmistakable “ca-ching” noise. I said to the man, “Heh. Don’t know about that, but if it turns up, we’ll get back to you.” Then I hastily closed the door.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 09:53 AM • permalink

  51. the ultimate accessory for leftard photojournalists covering the middle east, the awesome Flat Fatima

    Posted by eeniemeenie on 2007 01 19 at 09:54 AM • permalink

  52. #50: I think we only went to the Miami zoo one more time after that. BTW, does anybody want to buy a fairly mature yak? It’s good with children, a good grazer (you can get rid of that lawn mower!), and its droppings are excellent azalea fertilizer.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 10:10 AM • permalink

  53. #50
    Paco,
    Is that the same boy who is now a Marine? Resourceful, aren’t they?

    And O/T, but on your recommendation I read and just finished Flashman on the March. Brilliant, of course; the best (I think) since Mountain of Light. I’m still annoyed with Fraser’s intro, which seems to be contradicted in spirit by the last chapter (Flashy et al discussing the idiocy of the press and popular opinion); he also seems to be getting more grouchy toward the Americans. Worst of all, Fraser’s getting old, and we still have yet to see Flashy in the promised Civil War volume!

    #51—Got to get me a Flat Fatima for my cubicle.

    Posted by SoberHT on 2007 01 19 at 10:12 AM • permalink

  54. eeniemeenie

    that is utterly hilarious

    Posted by murph on 2007 01 19 at 10:26 AM • permalink

  55. #49: You can rub whale blubber all over for a deep golden tan. You can spatter whale blubber around the kitchen cooking the crispiest fries. You can even burn it up in the old woodstove and drain off the creosote to daub on your fence posts.

    But there’s nothing else like turning that old lard into Ocean Biofuel* for off-road turbo-diesel fun.

    * If anyone’s interested in making their own Ocean Biofuel from whales or would like to find a commercial Ocean Biofuel outlet nearby, please visit our website at the Petrochemical Alternative Club Off-road.

    Posted by splice on 2007 01 19 at 11:03 AM • permalink

  56. Whales are overrated.  Baby seals, on the other hand, yield just as much oily fat per pound, and their skins make lovely boots.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 01 19 at 11:45 AM • permalink

  57. #55 - I get the distinct impression that Tim’s blog is turning into an infomercial for PACO Industries.  It’s obvious to me that Tim Blair can be bought.  He’s a kept man.  Oh I’m so disappointed.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 19 at 12:01 PM • permalink

  58. You’re just sore because Andrea won’t give the spear back.

    Elizabeth
    Imperial Keeper

    Posted by Elizabeth Imperial Keeper on 2007 01 19 at 12:56 PM • permalink

  59. It’s obvious to me that Tim Blair can be bought.  He’s a kept man.  Oh I’m so disappointed.

    Paco beat you to it, eh?

    Posted by Rob Crawford on 2007 01 19 at 01:06 PM • permalink

  60. #57, wronwright:

    I feel compelled to inform you that I’ve hired a “sniffer” to go deep into your background to find something with which to discredit or impugn your fitness for duty as a VRWC (sp?) member. And failing the finding of anything legitimate (which I am assuming will be the case) I’m also in discussion with folk who’s business it is to create such “something"s for use by shamelessly goal oriented persons such as myself.

    This is all because you couldn’t tell me how to go about joining your organization and earning my way up to the Humvee with TOW option.
    I feel slighted so I must destroy you. Nothing personal.

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 19 at 01:07 PM • permalink

  61. #53 Mark: What was it Clint Eastwood said, as the Gunnery Sergeant in Heartbreak Ridge? “Adapt, innovate, overcome.”

    I’m glad you enjoyed the Flashman book. Yeah, maybe Fraser is getting a little crotchety in his autumn years; that was a very interesting contrast you pointed out between the intro and Flashman’s comments. And I do hope we get a Flashman novel centered on the American Civil War; since so many Paco’s died in that war fighting for, er, the side that came in second, I’ll have somebody to blame.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 01:29 PM • permalink

  62. #57: I get the distinct impression that Tim’s blog is turning into an infomercial for PACO Industries.

    Not so, spearless one! Tim is simply a humanitarian who understands that Paco Industries represents a boon to mankind. Remember our motto: “If it’s good for us, why wouldn’t it be good for you?”

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 01:34 PM • permalink

  63. I thought the motto was: “Its as good for you as we tell you it is!”

    That’s what I’ve been printing on all the adverts. Did it change?

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 19 at 01:37 PM • permalink

  64. As a kid, I was in charge of feeding a fairy penguin that had been caught by a fisherman’s hook, until he was healthy enough to return to sea. Trouble was, he liked the easy lifestyle of being fed fresh fish fillets, and refused every opportunity to return to “his natural habitat”. He ended up in Taronga Zoo.

    Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 01 19 at 01:51 PM • permalink

  65. ...Tim’s blog is turning into an infomercial for PACO Industries…

    It sounds like you need the Promotional Advertising Control Optimiser, wronwright. Only $29.99 from PACO Industries (shipping not included). If it says ‘PACO’, you can trust it to stop unwanted informercials and popups from ruining your viewing pleasure.

    Posted by andycanuck on 2007 01 19 at 01:58 PM • permalink

  66. #63 Grimmy: That slogan is only for ads appearing in communist countries. Er, is it working in Massachussetts?

    #65 Andy -  Don’t forget the closer: “Satisfaction guaranteed, or we’ll cry all the way to the bank.”

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 02:06 PM • permalink

  67. Grimmy,

    Seems to work on all the PACO products I bought.

    Posted by Ash_ on 2007 01 19 at 02:26 PM • permalink

  68. Paco—I’m appalled that an entrepreneur like you could have missed such an opportunity!

    You should have filled a bathtub with fresh water, placed the attractive young woman in it…

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 01 19 at 03:08 PM • permalink

  69. #60 This is all because you couldn’t tell me how to go about joining your organization and earning my way up to the Humvee with TOW option.

    Don’t feel bad, Grimmy.  He paints them in pastels.  With flower decals.  I mean, really.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 01 19 at 03:10 PM • permalink

  70. #68: Umm, yes, yes, yes, heh, would have been a splendid episode, but, er, Mrs. Paco believed that the young woman was quite spruce and clean as she was, no bathing required.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 03:31 PM • permalink

  71. #60 Grimmy - 

    This is all because you couldn’t tell me how to go about joining your organization and earning my way up to the Humvee with TOW option. I feel slighted so I must destroy you. Nothing personal.

    Oh good lord.  It seems like I get personal death threats every day because people want to know how to move up the ladder.  Good luck Grimmy.

    Okay, here’s my quick lecture on career opportunities in the VRWC.  No one joins.  You get selected, based on your views, attitudes, and basically your willingness to kick ass.  If the leaders, all fearless, decide you’re worthy, they come to your house, usually around 3 am or so.

    There is usually two persons that come.  They will sit in your dark bedroom, just staring at you until you awake with a start.  If the person has a wife or girlfriend in bed with them, there is usually a blood curdling scream emitted.  That’s usually a good start.

    Then you’re expected to first act surprised.  Then angry.  If you rise from your bed quickly and threaten to kill them, that’s usually a very good mark in your favor.

    They will then explain to you that you’ve been selected to join the VRWC.  They bring you brochures, sometimes show a video, all while you’re sitting in your jammies and your wife is trying to cover up while catching her breath.  Usually at that point, you show great interest and beg—I mean BEG—to join.  The two representatives will typically act nonchalant and ultimately say “well, ok”.

    Later that week, usually around 2 am or so, the Men in Black will arrive with the Ladies in White Lab Coats and High Heels.  At that point, they will give you a complete medical examination and I mean complete.  I hope you don’t mind a full body inspection.  Believe me, when you see the LIWLCAHH, you won’t mind.  In fact, it’s not at all uncommon for men to ask for a second inspection, just to be sure.

    Then the auditors go to work.  They check your finances, your credit history, your paychecks.  They don’t care if you have 2 dollars in your savings account or have just filed bankruptcy.  They’re just there to do it.  Their goal is to do a lot of adding machine ching chinging, printing up miles of white paper.  It doesn’t mean jack of course.  It’s just standard procedure.

    Ok, that’s the easy part.  Later on comes boot camp, indoctrination seminars, and other things, all held at secret monasteries in 700 AD Italy.  Please don’t ask how that can be.  It just happens. 

    Then you’re taken on a crusade, maybe a battle.  You might storm a castle, sack a town, engage in wanton raping and pillaging.  If you’re still interested in joining the VRWC, they then make you a scalawag.  That’s the lowest of the classes.  Basically you’re dirt. DIRT!  And they treat you like dirt too.  Often they will use scalawags to fill up potholes. 

    After years of working tirelessly as a scalawag, all without complaints or laments, you are promoted to rogue.  Then scoundrel.  Then, if you’re very very good and inspired, they make you a minion.  That’s a very nice position. 

    After years, okay decades, of performing whatever cruel and degrading tasks the higher ups give you, they then might promote you to henchman.  That’s very good.  You get assigned better assignments, often involving goat disguises and loss of life, and you receive very nice benefits.

    I could tell you about ascending to the top post of full member in the VRWC.  Or I wish I could.  But I can’t because I don’t know what that’s like.  Since my application to ascend to full membership has been misplaced.  For three years now.  Damn bureaucrats.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 19 at 03:33 PM • permalink

  72. #71: They will sit in your dark bedroom, just staring at you until you awake with a start.  If the person has a wife or girlfriend in bed with them, there is usually a blood curdling scream emitted.

    That’s exactly how it is, too. The screaming got so bad, my wife had to jam a pillow in my mouth to make me to stop.

    Posted by paco on 2007 01 19 at 03:51 PM • permalink

  73. #52. Paco, I just may have a use for that yak of yours. My lawnmower has recently crapped it, and I have a rather large yard with a fair bit of foliage that needs taking down.

    A yak would do nicely - much better than the miniature horse I was considering getting.

    #71. Wrongright, three months ago I couldn’t spell mignionette and now I is one. I just sent an email to MarkL, Canberra and asked how I could be a fully qualified one.

    Of course, it took a bit of running around in high heels and a lab coat and a rubber corset, but since I do that on weekends anyway, it’s not like it was a stretch.

    Running over that puppy was a piece of cake, too. In front of a family of holidaying sooks from Nimby Nimbin.

    I’d be writing a a strongly worded letter of concern a la Kofi and asking a few questions. I reckon someone’s yanking your chain.

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 01 19 at 03:58 PM • permalink

  74. If the person has a wife or girlfriend in bed with them, there is usually a blood curdling scream emitted.

    I was going to ask, if you had a husband instead, was screaming still allowed, but Paco answered that question.

    I do have a nitpick with Nilk, though.  Aren’t puppies supposed to be blended rather than run over?  I thought I read that in the VRWC handbook somewhere, but I’ve misplaced it.

    Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 01 19 at 05:22 PM • permalink

  75. RebeccaH

    Thats in the practical test section.

    First job is to make a dog go meeeow. I got past that bit by freesing it and putting it over a bandsaw.

    Then you have to make a cat go woof. Petrol and a match did that one.

    I got a bonus for doing a chuddich ( http://tinyurl.com/3d357h ) and finding out thats the sound it makes when you run over it in a toyota landcruiser.

    Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 01 19 at 05:56 PM • permalink

  76. Yes RebeccaH, your husband would be the one to scream bloody hell.  It’s usually the “significant other” that does the screaming while the applicant for VWRC trowels the floor for his or her spear. 

    But um, paco was the exception to this general rule.  Generally, paco is the exception to every general rule.  Generally speaking.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 19 at 06:18 PM • permalink

  77. #73 Nilknarf Arbed - 

    Wrongright, three months ago I couldn’t spell mignionette and now I is one.

    You still can’t.  It’s M I N I O N E T T E.  Mignionette was the piece of beef you ate the other night with a loaded baked potato.

    By the way, it’s W R O N W R I G H T.  Since I have you down on my newly received list of 2007 minions, I highly suggest you M E M O R I Z E it.

    (takes Nilknarf Arbed off of Karl’s wash and wax detail, places her on flower decal pasting team)

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 19 at 06:29 PM • permalink

  78. They will sit in your dark bedroom, just staring at you until you awake with a start.

    Ohh nooo. I didn’t know that’s who they were.

    Let me rephrase that. ... umm… I don’t even own a shotgun. Wait, that’s not it either…

    OK, here’s the deal. If they’re still missing… or…umm.. yeah, I mean, what I heard is that if you were to go to where the borders of Cali, Ari and Nav meet and on the right side of the river, over by some farm plots you were to find a large rock in among some bushes, they might still be hanging out about 4 or 5 feet under that rock, if its the right rock, if they’re still missing.

    If you’re not missing anyone, then never mind. I didn’t say nothing.

    You didn’t see me do it! I wasn’t there! You cant prove anything!

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 19 at 07:15 PM • permalink

  79. If tim tam can be bought how much gorgeous? (smootches)

    Posted by 1.618 on 2007 01 19 at 08:06 PM • permalink

  80. #77, ww

    By the way, it’s W R O N W R I G H T.

    Yeah.  But Wrongwright is much easier to type.  Some sort of touch-typist cerebellar memory thing going on I think.  Then I have to go back and take out the g.

    Posted by Janice on 2007 01 19 at 08:09 PM • permalink

  81. Grimmy, “I’ve hired a sniffer”

    SATAN’S NOSTRILS!!??

    A little pricey, but they do good work.

    Posted by kiwinews on 2007 01 19 at 08:29 PM • permalink

  82. kiwinews:

    Dont they though?

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 19 at 08:46 PM • permalink

  83. No one joins.  You get selected, based on your views, attitudes, and basically your willingness to kick ass.  If the leaders, all fearless, decide you’re worthy, they come to your house, usually around 3 am or so.

    15 years of my life I’ve been waiting by the front door for the “knock of Karl”. Been invited to join the Jehova’s and the Mormons so many times even they’ve stopped coming round. For crying out loud, it may be a Right Wing Conspiracy, but it’s certainly not vast. Still, I’m not giving up. My time will come and many a Black Op helicopter I will wax.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 19 at 09:43 PM • permalink

  84. Infidel Tiger,

    We’re very much aware of you.  But I’m afraid to say that the VRWC considers you a bit on the - well, there’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it - nice side.  True, there was that one time that you pushed the old lady out of the way when she tried to get the last doughnut at the 7/11.  And the times you cheated on your expense reports and tax returns.  But we’re waiting for some clear showing of evilness.

    I hope you understand.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 19 at 10:05 PM • permalink

  85. #71, wronwright:

    Oh good lord.  It seems like I get personal death threats every day because people want to know how to move up the ladder.

    Sir:
    It was never my intention to actually go so far as to kill you. You aren’t enemy, after all. I only desired to see you reduced, diminished and made miserable, you know, like per usual when engaged in standard inter-personal conflict of the less than overtly hostile nature.

    Good luck Grimmy

    -wronwright

    Thanks :) How terribly sporting of you, old chap.

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 19 at 10:26 PM • permalink

  86. Oh, and in case I wasn’t clear. Desired is the current condition. Since you told me what I wanted to know, you’re good as gold bullion again in my book.

    I usually enjoy pulling back on a vendetta about as much as I enjoy coitus interuptus but since the times are what they are, and with so many traitors, seditionists, enemy sympathizers, defeatists and general issue folk that fall into the “I just don’t like them” category to torment, I just don’t feel it’s a good idea to expend resources on an unnecessary target.

    Besides, we might be in the same club someday. I’d hate to have a grievance already standing between us if we have to ever meet up for an operation or some such.

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 19 at 10:46 PM • permalink

  87. Grimmy,

    You’re shamelessly evil.  You should be expecting two MIB any night now.  You’ll know it when you hear your wife or significant other scream like a banshee.  It’s an exciting time, yes indeed. 

    .


    Infidel Tiger,

    You’re very nice.  The Mormons are interested in having you join.  You can expect two representatives, at a convenient time during the day, waiting patiently on your front porch.  It’s an exciting time, er, well, actually it’s not.  But it’s safe and there’s something to be said for that.  Well, actually there isn’t.  I’m trying to be nice.  But Mormon-coming-a-knocking nice.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 19 at 11:40 PM • permalink

  88. Oh yeah, wronwright, would a nice person use size 6 font, coloured green?

    Damn it. They probably would.

    I will continue to bide my time, but take heed, for you may have moved lakes, but I will move oceans.

    Posted by Infidel Tiger on 2007 01 20 at 12:32 AM • permalink

  89. All this colourful text is a grevious insult to the colour blind. I hope Andrea comes in here and spanks everyone.

    Comments should be drab, austere and lifeless. Like a worker’s paradise.

    Posted by Penguin on 2007 01 20 at 12:33 AM • permalink

  90. wronwright:

    Next question: Does the organization promote from within? I mean, if, say, those appointed over me were to constantly succumb to a series of “unfortunate events”, does that open up advancement potential for myself?

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 20 at 12:45 AM • permalink

  91. 90. Grimmy

    The dark side moon laser postings are like that. I think I was demoted back earthside for an unfortunate incident involving tenticle anime porn and a friendly visitor from area 54.
    Its a bit disconcerting to clean bloodstains from the ceiling of the office youve just been “promoted” to.

    Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 01 20 at 01:25 AM • permalink

  92. #91, thefrollickingmole:

    Yeah, I can only imagine what that’d be like.
    By the by, I didn’t mean to imply that I’d have anything what-so-ever to do with harming, threatening, intimidating or disappearing anyone placed above me in the chain of command simply so I could move up the ranks in an expeditious manner. Nope. Not me.
    Wouldn’t even consider it. The thought would never cross my mind.

    Besides, it wasn’t me that put them in my way. So it wouldn’t be my fault at all.

    It’s actually a curse…yeah, that’s the ticket. A curse. I’m cursed in such a way that my beloved and respected bosses consistently meet grisly endings. Really unfortunate.

    On the other hand, this curse has no affect on those lateral to me or below me on the ladder, so…just a suggestion, you understand…but the higher I am on the CoC, the larger percentage of folk in the organization are safe from this curse.

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 20 at 01:44 AM • permalink

  93. Grimmy

    I think the right answer for me is something allong the lines of “yes kemosabe”.

    Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 01 20 at 02:22 AM • permalink

  94. Like jake and Elwood, this journey was all started off with a penguin….

    Posted by entropy on 2007 01 20 at 03:39 AM • permalink

  95. #87 & #88 Have a heart would ya’.
    Margo has just come back to moderating Webdiary’s comments fulltime again.
    Not sure how much cashola she’s tipping in this time but no doubt they couldn’t afford coloured and larger fonts you gentlemen are using especially when italics and boldering costs so much.
    Although they might have a bit of spare cash available after Margo imposed a 500 word limit to one of Webdiary’s prolific contributers Roslyn Ross. Rather than adhere to Margo’s wacky subjective application of Webdiary Ethics, Ross tells Webdiary where to go.

    Posted by Hank Reardon on 2007 01 20 at 04:05 AM • permalink

  96. Next question: Does the organization promote from within? I mean, if, say, those appointed over me were to constantly succumb to a series of “unfortunate events”, does that open up advancement potential for myself?

    Exclusively.  But keep in mind two things.  First, the people above you got to those positions by being extremely cruel and evil.  They like being that way.  They like looking for reasons to continue being that way.

    Second, as your superiors they have the power to assign you whatever task or project they wish.  Sometimes that can be as safe as cleaning Karl’s office.  Or it can be hazardous as feeding MarkL’s tentacularly endowed monster, er, pet.  More than one eager and ambitious neocon has met their demise in unfortunate accidents due to the machinations of henchmen.

    By the way, I have an assignment for you.  I need you to go to Andrea’s home and borrow her Zulu spear and genuine William the Conqueror Norman shield.  Detective paco has a key to her abode and the passcodes to her security system.  Finally.  After fees totalling $33,000.  Oh, also be sure to take some bee netting, you know, just in case.

    Posted by wronwright on 2007 01 20 at 06:14 AM • permalink

  97. #96, wronwright:

    I copy. Sounds like fun :)

    Posted by Grimmy on 2007 01 20 at 03:47 PM • permalink

  98. More than one eager and ambitious neocon has met their demise in unfortunate accidents due to the machinations of henchmen.

    Which is one the SMART neocons have an underling between them and the rest of the underlings.

    Yes, wronwright is definitely the man(?) you need to be posting to…

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 01 20 at 05:49 PM • permalink

  99. #74 RebeccaH asked:Aren’t puppies supposed to be blended rather than run over?

    Usually, but I happened to have my dandy pair of inline razor blades. I didn’t use a car at all.

    #77Mr W R O N W R I G H T please accept my humble, grovelling apologies. I honestly believed perview was my friend, and now I see how I was misled by the dastardly tool.

    It won’t happen again.

    I hope.

    Posted by Nilknarf Arbed on 2007 01 21 at 06:35 AM • permalink

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