The typical childhood of nursery rhymes, pony rides and genetic experimentation at the hands of a cabal of Presbyterian separatists. After escaping through a previously unnoticed barn door I made my way into the world. By mid morning I had made congress with a flaxen haired beauty of until then repute fair and true, we shook hands and I left to take my rightful place in the family business - spice trading. It came as naturally to me as a wet bed to an infant. Before time I had cornered the market in “Season All”. Now of means sufficient and independent I retired to lodgings befitting a man of my stature. It was while contemplating my navel at the YMCA that I embarked on the next of my quests. I was to seek out and wed the raven haired temptress Catherine Zeta Jones. While perusing New Weekly at my fishmonger, my hopes and dreams were dashed when I discovered she was Welsh. To overcome the heartache I busied myself as an economic adviser and cultural attache to Zimbabwe and North Korea. I am now at somewhat of a loose end.