TERRORISM SOLVED

The Imam decrees:

It is not permissible to stand and urinate as this is now the culture of the Kuffaar.

I'm going to be a fornicator.

I'm going to be raging anti-semite, and hold the most bizarre conspiracy theories about the US and Israel.

What if half of us sit down to piss and the other half stand up? What will the silly buggers do then?

that's so rich. now all the muslim males can squat or sit like a woman to take a piss. they are smart aren't they?

So I guess Muslim women will now have to stand up and piss. Could be a market for splash-proof burquas.

"Did you wash your hands?"

"No - I didn't piss on my fingers."

he will be excused provided the urine does not splash on his clothing or body.

Ahh, good advice.

Before this instruction, I found I was always drenched with urine after taking a leak.

We have had 4 million years of practice at this, my Muslim friends, it's not that difficult.

Gee "wizz", what is it with you guys?

Pun apology dutifully submitted.

Maybe its just me, but Islam seems to take micromanagement to new heights.

Maybe its just me, but Islam seems to take micromanagement to new heights.

True...no wonder it's so beloved by the Left these days.

One of the best spoof sites I've seen. Try this one for example:

"If you touch your private part does your wudhu break?"

Let's look at your modern islamacist.

1. They are probably best at beating up, and sometimes murdering, women.

2. They have a very, very long history of screwing little boys.

3. They have never won a military victory against a western power, head-to-head, in about 500 years.

4. They wear dresses.

5. Your average muslim has never cast a ballot THAT MEANT SOMETHING in their whole life.

6. They sit down to pee like women.

Yeah, your basic islamacist is a cunt and a loser.

Peace be on you. Oh Timothy

Q1 i share a flat with a muslim who believes he is a chicken.
can i eat the eggs since they must be Hallal?
Q2 Every night during match of the day he performs his Jumu'ah Salat in front of the telly . I miss the best goals and cannot hear anything with the chanting. what should i do?
Q3
It is my duty to attempt to convert him to christianity. How should i go about it ? Offer him some crispy bacon?
Your faithful fan
Davo in Dubbo.

Why can I not post on the Imam's website, is it because I stand up to pee?

Maybe my wife can ask the question, after all she sits down with the best of them.

Actually, since I told her that muslims sit down to pee, she's decided hencefore to stand up.

What a heinous site...

"Can a wife perform the circumcision of her husband?"

http://islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=5200

"Q2-: I share live in company accomodation which is shared by a hindu who very much oppose the muslims and talk intolerable about Islam and Allah, What should I do! I usually keep quite not to indulge in discussion, Is it OK to keep relation is man as I can' avoid him really.
(...)
2. We suggest you look for alternative accommodation. If this is not possible, you should at least portray good character before him. Kill him with kindness. "

I wonder if that last sentence is really meant in a figurative sense.

This is a good one:

"I have been asked to explain why, since television is haraam, there is such a thing as al-Jazeera. Also, why would a wise leader like Usama bin-Laden utilize the evil tool of video tapes and television to spread his message and to train people for jihad?"

When I lived in Riyadh, the daily paper there had an advice column written by an imam. For weeks he discussed whether it was okay to use a flush toilet to take a dump. The general concensus was that even though Mohammed didn't use one, it was okay. Not everyone bought into that. I never saw the same discussion concerning the use of their Mercedes Benz vehicles, or their cellphones. For some reason, the imams spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about scatalogical conundrums.

Here's another "you cannot do this because the infidel is doing it" fatwa.

Browsing that site via the hilariously named "View random fatwa" button is a real experience, for lack of a better word.

Ahh, the sweet joy of infidelhood. Think I'll saunter on over to the mosque and urinate on the Imam's headrag.

It is not permissible to breathe as this is now the culture of the Kuffaar.

More Sacred Advice from the Holy Prophet (Peace Be Upon him) here.

Thanks Jim, some very helpful advice there:

"When anyone wipes his anus with pebbles he should do this an odd number of times."

Pretty odd thing to do in the first place, I'd have thought, but I haven't spent much time in the middle east.

Would that be pebbles or Pebbles the American breakfast cereal? Not that it matters, of course, since my taste buds are not located in my anus. Just curious.

I just finished a delicious drink known to the kuffar as "water", which may or may not be Hallal. Perhaps the Imam can be so kind as to generate a two week discussion on the issue of water-consumption before issuing his fatwa. In the meantime, best not take any chances on that "water" stuff.

"Muslim 107 The common practice with the Holy Prophet was that he urinated in a sitting position."

That settles it. Take note also that "...the devil spends the night in the interior of [your] nose." (Muslim 97) And my nose. Everybody's nose. This is why Allah invented time zones: So there would never be a time when then devil isn't trapped in some poor sleeping bastard's nose. The evil kuffar invention of antihistamines has unleashed the devil into the world at night.

Muslim 619: ... "It is your duty to kill the jet-black dog having two spots on the eyes, for it is a devil."

The Prophet was compassionate, too:

Muslim 682: The Prophet said: "Do not stone the adulteress who is pregnant until she has had her child." After the birth she was put into a ditch up to her chest and the Prophet commanded them to stone her. Khalid came forward with a stone which he threw at her head, and there spurted blood on the face of Khalid and he cursed her. The gentle Prophet prayed over her and she was buried.

I guess you'd call this a squatwa! COME ON FOLKS

"I never saw the same discussion concerning the use of their Mercedes Benz vehicles, or their cellphones."

Or, y'know, planes.

There's fatwa problem in German, with Sitzpinkler, which means also wimp.

A good computer fatwa program could see these problems coming.

The RSS feed still isn't working in Sharpreader. Frowny face. I want my Tim TV!!

=darwin

Haven't the Evil Kuffaar always peed standing up (male half, anyway)? When did peeing standing up become part of the culture of the Evil Kuffaar? Or is it that the Ignorant Imam simply wasn't aware until now that human beings, despite choice of religion, are all one species?

Ah! slaps forehead Answered my own silly question!

I've got all of you beat...

Ladies and Gents, I give you Islamically-Correct Psychokenesis!

http://www.islam.tc/ask-imam/view.php?q=11118

"scatalogical conundrums"

Wow what a great phrase! Make a great title for a blog.

RebaccaH, the beastly Kuffar didn't start peeing standing up until last Monday, when they found out the Muslims did it. That's when I got the memo, anyway. It came as quite a shock. As you can see, the Ummah has reacted to this threat in a timely fashion.

Well, that's one explanation. The other is that since shaking hands with a Jew makes your Johnson fall off, they figured all the infidels lost them early and so were unable to pee standing up. It may be that they've discovered only recently that many of the infidels seem to be strangely immune to this awful misfortune... Go figure! But their own weenies, God willing, remain susceptible, God willing, praise be unto them, etc., ad inf., and so on. So squatting is probably the safest course anyway, God willing.

Third and final theory: The real reason is not the one given. The truth is that only in recent decades have Muslims started living in places with snow in significant numbers. The good Imam wishes to prevent the faithful from writing Koranic verses in the snow. Regardless of the obvious good intentions of such an act on the part of the faithful, it's just not halal. Allah takes a dim view and he wants it stopped, ASAP. I sympathize.

Hey, Imam! Guys have always pissed standing up:

Behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall.--1 Kings 14:10

Muslim 112 The Prophet said: "You should not urinate in stagnant water, then wash in it.

They actually have to spell this stuff out ?

In approx one hour ten minutes I shall be 58 years old

My wife and daughters have bought presents for me, comprising two bars of chocolate, one box of chocolate Brazil nuts and a shirt with the largest neck size I have ever needed.

Sod the muslims, I need help!

I presume this implies that I am a Kuffaar.

Well, the islamofascists are the opposite of what I am and what I believe in.

They are "Raafukk"s and the can go raafukk themselves.

But, I bet they do that anywy, without my urging.

Rexie,
I bet Bam-Bam didn't think it was that odd.

.....

So many restrictions. I mean, what's camel dung for if you can't wipe your arse with it?

You kuffaars are getting as cheeky as the kaffirs!

"Your average muslim has never cast a ballot THAT MEANT SOMETHING in their whole life."

There is just one place in the Middle East where a Muslim citizen's vote means something ... it's called Israel.

They have a very, very long history of screwing little boys
and goats,
and sheep,
and camels,
and their aunt if they fall on her during an earthquake...

OK, Aarrgghh, I'll buy the snow thing.

Yeah Darwin sorry -- I have done everything Pmachine's rather sparse instructions said I should do to the freaking xml file. I have 666's (yeah) the stupid file, I have gone into the control panel and pulled and tugged on the appropriate drop down menus and I must admit I don't know what the freaking hell else to do. I guess I will email the support (after all I paid money for this thing didn't I).

Okay, some adjustments to the index.xml page have made the page validate through the Atom feed page but that it is still showing encoding problems. They seem to be caused by the weird character entities that show up in any post with fancy formatting, like this one -- the bulleted lists are a problem. Well, it validates in RSS anyway -- but I have no idea why Foxfire isn't recognizing it. Grr.

I prefer to piss lieing down, its a position I recommend for the chronically laz...

So what are the rules for excrement making?