AL MOSES

Al Gore hands down his Seven Commandments. The only difference between these and the work of an earnest 13-year-old girl is the lack of pony drawings.

Posted by Tim B. on 06/30/2007 at 12:45 PM
    1. Deep thoughts from the world’s biggest gas bag.

      And to think that he was almost President.

      Posted by Zardoz on 2007 06 30 at 12:52 PM • permalink

 

    1. To buy from businesses and support leaders who share my commitment to solving the climate crises

      “Crises?” Plural of crisis? You mean, even if we solve the global warming problem, there are other climate problems we have to deal with? Folks, it’s the never-ending, 24/7, forever-and-a-day, worry-wart Gaiarama! An “infinity mirror” of difficulties for Al to solve for the rest of recorded time. Wonderful.

      Posted by paco on 2007 06 30 at 12:54 PM • permalink

 

    1. “CO2 pollution.”
      Every living being that exhales is a polluter!
Posted by Latino on 2007 06 30 at 12:58 PM • permalink

 

    1. The only difference between these and the work of an earnest 13-year-old girl is the lack of pony drawings.

      Funniest thing I’ve read all week.

      Posted by paco on 2007 06 30 at 12:59 PM • permalink

 

    1. Noticed that too, eh, paco?

      New-age greenie religion so amorphous, everything can will be made to fit.

      Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 06 30 at 01:00 PM • permalink

 

    1. 4. To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

      Hey, dumbshit, you kinda need to turn off everything you own to even come close.

      That does include your “office”. You know, the thing that makes your electricity use so much more than other US citizens?

      Oh, stop flying too. And stop travelling in cars. And stop eating. And stop breathing.

      Nahhhh, you won’t do it.

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 06 30 at 01:00 PM • permalink

 

    1. Errr… #5 is a response to #2, not #4.

      Sorry.

      Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 06 30 at 01:01 PM • permalink

 

    1. Just in case it doesn’t pass the blog censorship, here’s my reply

      To take personal action to help solve the climate crises by reducing my own C02 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become ‘‘carbon neutral’‘;

      There are two possibilities for this:

      1. I shoot myself thus sparing the world of any further increases in carbon dioxide due to breathing or

      2. I buy “carbon offset credits” from Al Gore! I salve my conscience and Al Gore makes money – who can possibly be against that? It’s a win-win situation.

      Of course if I shoot myself then I don’t get the opportunity to save up so that I can have the same carbon footprint as Al Gore. At this rate it should take me about 20,000 years

      Posted by John A on 2007 06 30 at 01:02 PM • permalink

 

    1. #6

      4. To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

      Hey, dumbshit, you kinda need to turn off everything you own to even come close.

      No kidding. That crashing and banging you hear is the world’s largest Irony Meter in its death throes.

      Posted by Spiny Norman on 2007 06 30 at 01:03 PM • permalink

 

    1. To take personal action to help solve the climate crises by reducing my own C02 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become ‘‘carbon neutral’‘

      Loop-holes, anyone? “Reducing my own CO2 pollution as much as I can”; “offsetting the rest” – by serving as an investor in firms that sell offsets.

      Go sit on a volcano, Al; there’s one “crisis” you can help with right now.

      Posted by paco on 2007 06 30 at 01:07 PM • permalink

 

    1. #9

      Oh no!

      Someone’s broken my Irony Meter!

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 06 30 at 01:11 PM • permalink

 

    1. To fight for a moratorium on the construction of any new generating facility that burns coal without the capacity to safely trap and store the C02;

      I myself just installed a dryer lint trap. A cotton scrubber.  The lint will then be fed to sheep.

      Posted by rhhardin on 2007 06 30 at 01:16 PM • permalink

 

    1. “No kidding. That crashing and banging you hear is the world’s largest Irony Meter in its death throes.”

      Hey, Spiny, maybe you should invent an Irony Clock like that Doomsday Clock promulgated by the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists.  You could have fun moving the minute hand closer to or farther from midnight, the point of Total Irony Implosion (TII).  That’s the point (sort of like a political black hole) where all the laws of logic, cause and effect, and sanity break down.
      Unfortunately, with Al Gore gaining mass every day, things might already be past the point of no return.  Actually, we probably have 10 years to fix the problem (don’t we always).  All I’ll need in the meantime is a generous grant to study the situation.

      Posted by kcom on 2007 06 30 at 01:19 PM • permalink

 

    1. This is why my Irony Meter goes to 11.

      Posted by brett_l on 2007 06 30 at 01:42 PM • permalink

 

    1. #13 kcom:
      Actually, I believe that AlGore will begin losing mass as he vapidly tries to run for President. Thus becoming the first candidate in history to get his ass whooped by a husband and a wife in two separate Primaries 16 years apart.

      Posted by brett_l on 2007 06 30 at 01:44 PM • permalink

 

    1. WTF?!?!?!?!!?!?!

      1. To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next two years that cuts global warming pollution by 90 percent in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth;

      Gee, does this describe the Kyoto Treaty without naming them (you know, the same one the US Senate clearly rejected), or does Gorezilla have a brand, spanking new treaty up his (XXXXL) sleeve?

      If the former…..Gorezilla just dissed a lot of the Democrat Senators currently in office who voted against the treaty back during the Clinton Administration, like Ted “I can swim!” Kennedy*.

      If the latter……where is it, bub?

      2. To take personal action to help solve the climate crises by reducing my own C02 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become ‘‘carbon neutral’‘;

      Translation from Gorespeak:  “You ain’t doing enough already!  Reduce your standard of living, and send me money to offset the rest!!!!!”

      3. To fight for a moratorium on the construction of any new generating facility that burns coal without the capacity to safely trap and store the C02;

      Without Googling it…..hasn’t that been the standard in most industrialized nations for years?  Y’know, to reduce air pollution?

      4. To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

      This one is wide open to interpretation; just what does “dramatic” mean?  By my definition, I anticipated this cretin when I remodeled my house, nearly tripling the insulation (both direct, and by adding vinyl siding), installing energy efficient windows and ceiling fans, and upgrading my wood stove to one with a catalytic converter.

      But I’ll betcha some greenie will complain about the air conditioning, new gas furnance, and the wood stove (“Burn trees? Gaia forbid!”)

      5. To fight for laws and policies that expand the use of renewable energy sources and reduce dependence on oil and coal;

      I’ve examined this one quite carefully, and I just can’t find the phrase “nuclear power” in #5.  Why is that?

      6. To plant new trees and to join with others in preserving and protecting forests; and,

      Oh, I’m for this, you betcha!

      7. To buy from businesses and support leaders who share my commitment to solving the climate crises and building a sustainable, just and prosperous world for the 21st century.

      No doubt endorsed by The Goreacle™.

      ==========
      *: Oh my!  Did I just diss Kennedy as well?  Oopsie!

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 06 30 at 02:09 PM • permalink

 

    1. Another global warming threat.

      Via the excellent Maggie’s Farm – great posts, great links and great photography.

      Posted by paco on 2007 06 30 at 02:46 PM • permalink

 

    1. 1. To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next two years…

      Cleverly designed to get Boosh to sign it, rather than a later, DimOcrat Prez, so that when it comes a cropper, Dims can point a finger and yell “More Boosh failure!”.

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 06 30 at 02:58 PM • permalink

 

    1. Let this comment there:

      “I thought Gore was carbon neutral!  What, can’t his carbon trading firm keep up with his carbon spewing personal life?

      BTW, has he settled on the style of priestly wardrobe for his religion yet?  I hope they are cool looking, with hats and everything.”

      They moderate comments so let’s see if it shows up.

      Posted by Dusty on 2007 06 30 at 03:25 PM • permalink

 

    1. #17, Jebus!  If I weren’t already angry enough about the attempted bombings in the UK, that photo alone would do it.

      Al-Bore and his Kiddie Krusade can have my money and my vote when hell freezes over (so, according to his dogma, never).

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 06 30 at 03:32 PM • permalink

 

    1. His pledge of carbon neutrality shows what kind of scam artist he is. After all, if he truly believes the planet is teetering on the brink of imminent climate crisis thanks to the current 380ppm atmospheric CO2 concentration, and the only way to ensure “good” climate is to have an atmosphere which has a 280ppm CO2 concentration, then he can’t just be carbon neutral. He needs to be a net carbon sink. And it’s not like he couldn’t afford planting a few more trees or whatever it is he pretends to do to assuage his guilt. Admittedly, with the constant expansion of his girth and enormobrain, he is personally becoming a carbon sink, but not nearly enough for someone who claims absolute knowledge about the earth’s climate processes and requires commensurate action based on MORAL imperatives.

      Sink the carbon, Goracle! Sink until it hurts, then sink some more!

      Posted by Crispytoast on 2007 06 30 at 03:36 PM • permalink

 

    1. #20 Rebecca: That sort of thing’s getting to be a big problem in Scandinavia, from what I’ve been reading. And let’s just say that the authorities generally are not responding with the old Viking spirit. This fellow had the right idea.

      Posted by paco on 2007 06 30 at 03:46 PM • permalink

 

    1. 8. to fight the urge to turn on the pool-heater unless the air temperature falls below 33C.
      9. to demand both (a) absolute obedience to my will and (b) more cheesey fries
      10. to buy some more of my carbon credits to balance every time I fart.There, an even ten.

      Posted by Merlin on 2007 06 30 at 04:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. Why is everyone ignoring the vital Question Of The Day:

      “Would you eat sushi with horse or deer in place of tuna?”

      … without hints from Almost-President Gore on the Authorised Answer.

      I vote Yes.

      Cheers

      Posted by J.M. Heinrichs on 2007 06 30 at 04:44 PM • permalink

 

    1. You all will be pleased to know that my Prototype Alternative Carbon Offsetter uses Leftard Irony (a renewable resource) to sequester carbon out of hot air.

      I have licensed it to a corporation which wishes to remain anonymous.

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 06 30 at 05:33 PM • permalink

 

    1. Almost overnight the Glorious Loyalty Oath Crusade was in full flower, and Captain Black was enraptured to discover himself spearheading it. “The important thing is to keep them pledging,” he explained to his cohorts. “It doesn’t matter whether they mean it or not. That’s why they make little kids pledge allegiance even before they know what ‘pledge’ and ‘allegiance’ mean.” He had really hit on something.

      Catch 22, p122.

      Posted by Ian Deans on 2007 06 30 at 05:43 PM • permalink

 

    1. What!  Al Gore says we need to plant more trees?

      · More trees are growing in the nation’s forests today than at any time since the early 1900s.

      · In 1900, forest growth rates were a fraction of harvest. Today, annual forest growth exceeds harvest by 33%.

      · Net annual growth has increased 55% since 1952, and growth per acre has increased 62%.

      · Softwood net growing volume increased 4% between 1952 and 1992 and hardwood growing volume increased 82% during the same period.

      · Nationally, standing timber volume per acre in U.S. forests is 33% greater than in 1952.

      The only conclusion I can draw from this is that trees increase global warming.  We should cut them down now before it’s too late. Do it for the children!

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 06 30 at 05:44 PM • permalink

 

    1. Whoops.  Forgot to give the link for the above forestry points. link for above forestry points

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 06 30 at 05:47 PM • permalink

 

    1. “C02 pollution”

      Please note that the article refers to C-zero-two (C02) pollution and not to carbon dioxide (CO2).

      Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 06 30 at 05:54 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, snap.  I didn’t even notice C02 reference.

      /My situational awareness sucks.

      Posted by SwampWoman on 2007 06 30 at 05:57 PM • permalink

 

    1. There is already a de facto moratorium on new power stations in Australia. This is because their owners are reluctant to invest money in something that might be outlawed in the near future.
      It is clear that we will need more capacity (not less) to generate electricity as populations and industry grow.
      The greens stopped the building of dams and we are now running out of water.
      Their stopping of the building of power stations, will have similar effects which will be quicker and more apparent.
      The existing power infrastructure is already under strain in SEQ and this is evident every time we have a very hot or very cold day.

      Posted by Skeeter on 2007 06 30 at 08:29 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh, stuff it, gorebore.

      Posted by Kyda Sylvester on 2007 06 30 at 09:09 PM • permalink

 

    1. Oh my, a Mission Statement.

      That’s so, er, 80s!

      Posted by kae on 2007 06 30 at 09:19 PM • permalink

 

    1. Skeeter, I worked for British GEC in the late 70s and 1980. In the Construction Division. We built power stations. It was very interesting. Every easter a tender had to be prepared and so we had to work over the easter break. Lots of money! I can’t remember which power stations we tendered for, but it was very interesting work.
      Except for the photocopier, a one sheet at a time copier, and there were no PCs then. Ahhh, those were the days…

      Posted by kae on 2007 06 30 at 09:41 PM • permalink

 

    1. What you’re all overlooking is that Gore is carbon-neutral. All that organic mass he keeps adding to his body probably offsets his flights’ and his mansion’s emissions three times over.

      Posted by PW on 2007 06 30 at 09:48 PM • permalink

 

    1. The only difference between these and the work of an earnest 13-year-old girl is the lack of pony drawings.

      And little hearts in place of dots above the i’s and lower case j’s.

      Posted by Mark V. on 2007 06 30 at 11:21 PM • permalink

 

    1. #36: Hey, you know, all of that stuff might have been in the rough draft.

      Posted by paco on 2007 06 30 at 11:23 PM • permalink

 

    1. I am the Lord, your Gore, who bought you out of the land of Oil, out of the house of energy; you shall have no other gores before me.

      You shall not take for yourself another’s carbon idol, whether in the form of anything that is wind in heaven above, or that is on the uranium earth beneath, or that is in the hydro water under the earth.

      You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your Gore, am a jealous Gore, punishing children for the carbonity of parents, to the third and fourth generator of those who reject my credits, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth wind-generation of those who love me and keep only my carbon credits.

      Thus endeth the lesson.

      Posted by andycanuck on 2007 06 30 at 11:40 PM • permalink

 

    1. Lessee. today’s work is nearly done… it’s beer-o-clock!

      hang on, I missed this. Bugger, the VRWC needs a personal action-plan response to meet Gore’s seven points? I thought Gore’s head only had one point! Oh, now I see.  Hmm. Needs ponies to go with the crayon he used to write this, but what the heck…

      Easy. The answer lies in beer.

      1. To demand that my country join an international treaty within the next two years that cuts global warming pollution by 90 percent in developed countries and by more than half worldwide in time for the next generation to inherit a healthy earth;

      OK, no problemo, the answer must be an international treaty to mandate an increase in beer consumption. If we also demand that the UN be charged with enforcement of Gores cuts, that’ll make sure bugger-all happens. We enforce the public beer-consumption ordnances locally.

      2. To take personal action to help solve the climate crises by reducing my own C02 pollution as much as I can and offsetting the rest to become ‘‘carbon neutral’‘;

      OK, the answer is obviously beer. I’ll demand we crank up the brewery and cut the price. Yeast contains carbon and becomes a nice carbon offset Yeast sequesters carbon in ethanol. Beer drinkers sequester ethanol into drunken behaviour. Hmm. Memo to Paco concerning the Premium Alcoholic Comestibles Operation is in order here, we need to offer Perennially Available Carbon Offsets with every carton.

      3. To fight for a moratorium on the construction of any new generating facility that burns coal without the capacity to safely trap and store the C02;

      Excellent, the answer is again obviously more coal fired power stations with massive attached breweries and much cheaper beer. If that CO2 is safely trapped in bottles, it counts!

      4. To work for a dramatic increase in the energy efficiency of my home, workplace, school, place of worship, and means of transportation;

      Beer again! If we drop the price and all legal penalties for drink-driving, offer beer on tap in all homes, workplaces, schools, place of worship through a national ‘beer grid’ and on all means of transportation, you bet your balls the results will be dramatic!

      What, Howard, WHAT? Oh, Gore has no balls at all? Who knew?

      5. To fight for laws and policies that expand the use of renewable energy sources and reduce dependence on oil and coal;

      OK, we have to add caffeine to the beer. Hordes of drunkenly alert beer sodden citizens can act energetically (if not in coordination), can’t they? Also solves the War on Terror. Terrorist + gun/explosives + beer = a sad accident and no virgins for YOU, mohammad!

      6. To plant new trees and to join with others in preserving and protecting forests; and,

      Well, OBVIOUSLY we need lots of shady trees to sleep off the beer and shade the breweries and bars.

      7. To buy from businesses and support leaders who share my commitment to solving the climate crises and building a sustainable, just and prosperous world for the 21st century.

      Yup, people can buy beer. That solves the climate crisis as the whackjobs who worship the greenie gods of stupidity will be too pissed to keep quacking on about it. We might get some bloody peace and quiet. Yeast, being industrious, that is sure as hell sustainable and it IS the 21st centrury.

      Done.

      Time for a beer.

      MarkL
      Minionmeister to the VRWC

      Posted by MarkL on 2007 06 30 at 11:59 PM • permalink

 

    1. What, did Al clumsily drop the other three commandments?

      Posted by Jim Geones on 2007 07 01 at 12:02 AM • permalink

 

    1. Please note that the article refers to C-zero-two (C02) pollution and not to carbon dioxide (CO2)

      Having thought about it, I think they use C-zero-two to make the distinction between bad Gaia-raping CO2 from the US, Australia, etc and the CO2 from China, India, Brazil, South Korea, Mexico etc that nobody gives a wild flying fuck about.

      (by the way, how the hell did South Korea (exporter of cars, cell phones and microchips) avoid the industrialised nation list? It has an economy bigger than some Euro countries!)

      Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 07 01 at 02:42 AM • permalink

 

    1. #41

      Did you not KNOW??

      According to the Lord High Watermelons of the Church of Gaia, only whitey can pollute and so give good old Gaia a grudge-shafting up the dirt road. CO2 produced by Asians or melanin-enhanced chappies does not count. Ain’t soft racism nice? Gaia does not feel rectally violated by their CO2 according to the priests of their squalid little cult.

      Greenies – the only politically acceptable racists.

      MarkL
      Canberra

      Posted by MarkL on 2007 07 01 at 03:32 AM • permalink

 

    1. If Gore had become President I don’t think we would be hearing any of this climate twiffle.

      I think he was so devastated by his election loss that he sought therapy and out of that came a little exercise prompted by the therapist to placate him in his depression.

      ‘Al’ he asked ‘what can you do that would provide you with the notoriety of the Presidency, the satisfaction of mass adoration and some credibility amongst the nations of the world.’

      A few short years later Al gave the world AIT, followed by the 7 commandments.

      Now if we can only get our hands on that therapist.

      Posted by mehaul on 2007 07 01 at 03:33 AM • permalink

 

    1. Like Leslie Howard , advised to take up acting to deal with WW1 shell shock.

      Posted by dean martin on 2007 07 01 at 03:49 AM • permalink

 

    1. Hmmm. I just equated an honorable man like Leslie Howard with algore. I beg forgiveness.

      Posted by dean martin on 2007 07 01 at 03:51 AM • permalink

 

    1. #42 CO2 produced by Asians or melanin-enhanced chappies does not count.

      Japan has Kyoto commitments.

      I’m sure the greenie response would be that South Korea has “only” a trillion dollar economy so it doesn’t count. I bet they used the average of South Korea and North Korea’s frozen turd on a stick economy.

      Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 07 01 at 04:27 AM • permalink

 

    1. It’s high time these people visited chez Gore.

      Posted by chrisgo on 2007 07 01 at 06:02 AM • permalink

 

  1. Every living being that exhales is a polluter!

    Right, we’ll be charging them too.

    Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 07 01 at 12:20 PM • permalink