ADS PLACED

Extracts from They Call Me Naughty Lola: Personal Ads from the London Review of Books:

• I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold, revenge.

• Either I’m desperately unattractive, or you are all lesbians. Bald, pasty man (61) with nervous tic and unclassifiable skin complaint believes it to be the latter but holds out hope.

• Tired of feeling patronised by the ads in this column? Then I’m not the woman for you, little man.

• When you do that voodoo that you do so well, I invoke 16th-century witchcraft laws and have you burned at the stake. No shenanigans with Quaker M, 39.

• My favourite Ben & Jerry’s is Acid-Boiled Bones of Divorce Lawyer. They don’t make it yet, but, damn, I can taste its sweet, sweet ice-creamy goodness already. M, 54.

• Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.

• I am not an accountant.

Recommended.

Posted by Tim B. on 10/22/2007 at 10:00 AM
    1. That sounds like a great book to read whenever you start doubting yourself.  Heh.

      Posted by RebeccaH on 2007 10 22 at 10:12 AM • permalink

 

    1. I am neither Leftist nor Muslim nor accountant.

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 10 22 at 10:16 AM • permalink

 

    1. “Ppfffttttt, ssshhhhhhhhwwwwt, peeffwt, pffpt. Man, 36. Bad at whistling.”

      Another hole in my credit card.

      Posted by Zoe Brain on 2007 10 22 at 10:18 AM • permalink

 

    1. #2 You’re taken now!

      Hands off ladies!

      Oh, wait.

      Are you single?

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 10 22 at 10:21 AM • permalink

 

    1. Im not saying its big, but I can fill a pram….

      (that pick up line is probably why evryone has had more sex than me)

      Posted by thefrollickingmole on 2007 10 22 at 10:24 AM • permalink

 

    1. #5 If you can fill a pram, stay the hell away from me!!!

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 10 22 at 10:38 AM • permalink

 

    1. man of steel seeks flexible woman willing to accommodate hard parts of relationship—c.k.

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 10 22 at 10:39 AM • permalink

 

    1. man of steel seeks flexible woman willing to accommodate hard parts of relationship—c.k.

      stay away from my wife you bastard—mr. i

      Posted by richard mcenroe on 2007 10 22 at 10:41 AM • permalink

 

    1. Ash sez:

      #2 You’re taken now!

      Did I mention that I’m 116 years old ?

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 10 22 at 10:46 AM • permalink

 

    1. “Beautiful, both on the outside and the inside” always had me wondering if she was looking for a gynaecologist to date. I’ve been told I take things too literally, sometimes…

      Posted by AlburyShifton on 2007 10 22 at 10:54 AM • permalink

 

    1. #9 Age is of no concern. Mostly, only people? of these appearances may apply.

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 10 22 at 10:54 AM • permalink

 

    1. #11 May not apply!!! Damn Preview!!!

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 10 22 at 11:02 AM • permalink

 

    1. Ash, you had me for a moment with that mouldy crowd. Are they descendants of transported criminals? Banished imbeciles?

      Even at 116, I am more man than all those fellows put together—and their wives as well.

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 10 22 at 11:12 AM • permalink

 

    1. #13 You did not deserve such treatment. Accept my most humble apologies, a cheesecake, three bowls of pasta, and two PACO products.

      Oh, banished imbiciles? More than likely.

      But again, I apologise, and give you a Labor bumper sticker, a Carlton jumper, three dog biscuits, and a used bowling shoe.

      Posted by Ash_ on 2007 10 22 at 11:20 AM • permalink

 

    1. Saw one in London Timeout magazine a few years back.  Simply read:

      “Fat slag needs man.”

      Posted by murph on 2007 10 22 at 11:59 AM • permalink

 

    1. Tired of feeling patronised by the ads in this column? Then I’m not the woman for you, little man.

      I think that one was posted by Maureen Dowd.

      Posted by The_Real_JeffS on 2007 10 22 at 12:09 PM • permalink

 

    1. #14

      I apologise, and give you a Labor bumper sticker, a Carlton jumper, three dog biscuits, and a used bowling shoe.

      Quite intuitive you are, Ash, as I have but one foot.
      But it’s size 16!

      Posted by Harry Bergeron on 2007 10 22 at 12:27 PM • permalink

 

    1. Beware of personal ads that mention salad tossing. Unless your toilet paper is too scratchy, anyway.

      Posted by Mystery Meat on 2007 10 22 at 01:04 PM • permalink

 

    1. Believe I read this post at LGF (coulda’ been here)…”Hey baby, remember my name cause you’re gonna’ be screamin’ it all night”.

      I mean talk about a warm up, huh?

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 10 22 at 02:29 PM • permalink

 

    1. Harry Bergeron

      Did I mention that I’m 116 years old ?

      Quite intuitive you are, Ash, as I have but one foot.
      But it’s size 16!

      WOW! Hopalong Cassidy. My favorite cowboy

      Posted by El Cid on 2007 10 22 at 02:56 PM • permalink

 

    1. Personal Ad: Woman Seeking Man

      If you want a bitch that you
      Can’t possibly embarrass,
      And a rash that can’t be cured,
      You always will have Paris.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 10 22 at 03:49 PM • permalink

 

    1. Young girl (6) looking for father figure. Will you be my prophet?

      Posted by flying pigs over mecca on 2007 10 22 at 03:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. Personal Ad: Man Seeking Woman

      If you love a man who laughs,
      I’m guaranteed outrageous.
      Pathologists have proved in court
      My laughter is contagious.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 10 22 at 03:50 PM • permalink

 

    1. Personal Ad: Man with Excess
      Self-Esteem Seeks Woman Without

      This Bubba needs a bimbo,
      A cheery, big-haired slut
      Who, unlike Mrs Bubba,
      Can keep her pie-hole shut.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 10 22 at 04:17 PM • permalink

 

    1. Personal Ad: Former Altar Boy Seeks
      Orderly Woman with Good Clean Habits.

      That lewdness charge was nothing but
      A baseless, false invention.
      Nuns will, you know, say anything;
      They’re gluttons for attention.

      Posted by lyle on 2007 10 22 at 04:33 PM • permalink

 

    1. #11 Ash_ …mostly only people…? VBG

      Posted by Wimpy Canadian on 2007 10 22 at 05:23 PM • permalink

 

    1. #9
      Oh good. More in my age demographic.

      Posted by kae on 2007 10 22 at 05:32 PM • permalink

 

    1. #14
      Can’t say I think much of your dowry.

      Posted by kae on 2007 10 22 at 05:34 PM • permalink

 

    1. Top work, lyle!

      Posted by SwinishCapitalist on 2007 10 22 at 05:47 PM • permalink

 

    1. Single male seeks sweet single female between 1.617 and 1.619. I have several good qualities. For example, I once got a fortune cookie that said “You possess a rare beauty. Use it to your advantage.” If an inanimate object like a predictionless fortune cookie thinks I’m hot then you’ll probably find me irresistible.

      ❤sigh❤

      Posted by Col. Milquetoast on 2007 10 22 at 09:49 PM • permalink

 

  1. #28 That’s not the dowry, that’s the standard apology package.

    Posted by Ash_ on 2007 10 22 at 10:58 PM • permalink